Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts

Tuesday, May 06, 2014

DIVORCE - Victoria's Secret Model Adriana Lima, Marko Jaric Split After Five Years

DIVORCE - Victoria's Secret Model Adriana Lima, Marko Jaric Split After Five Years :

DIVORCE -  Victoria's Secret Model Adriana Lima, Marko Jaric Split After Five Years
DIVORCE -  Victoria's Secret Model Adriana Lima, Marko Jaric Split After Five Years
Adriana Lima and Marko Jaric have called it quits.
The Victoria's Secret model, 32, and the former NBA star, 35, ended their five-year marriage and released a joint statement to PeopleMagazine.
“After long and careful consideration, we have decided to separate after five years of marriage,” the statement read. “We are grateful to be the parents of two incredibly young daughters that we will continue to co-parent. We would greatly appreciate your respect for our family’s privacy as we begin this delicate next chapter for all members of our family.”
The Brazilian beauty and basketball player met at a party in Los Angeles in 2006 and got engaged two years later. They eloped on Valentine’s Day in 2009 in a private civil ceremony in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.
“I never saw myself being married. But after I met him, everything changed,” Lima told People shortly after they married. “I knew he was the one and I could see myself married with him and with a big family.
The couple has two daughters Valentina, 4, and Sienna, 19 months.
The split comes eight months after fellow Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr and actor Orlando Bloom announced their separation after three years of marriage.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

WOW - 5 Ways To Avoid Divorce

5 Ways To Avoid Divorce:
Posted by Palco MP3 

5 Ways To Avoid Divorce, From time to time, I post about what makes for a happy, long-term marriage or partnership
Love and Divorce

From time to time, I post about what makes for a happy, long-term marriage or partnership. In the past, I've written about the importance of sharing similar interests, having complementary skill sets and even how much you smiled in photographs when you were younger.
But lately, I've stumbled across some interesting new research on the topic which I thought I'd share.
Here are five ways to avoid divorce:

1. Be thrifty. A recent study of 1,734 married couples revealed that couples who don't value money very highly score 10 to 15 percent better on marriage stability and other measures of relationship quality than couples where one or both are materialistic. According to Jason Carroll, a professor at BYU and the lead author of the study, materialistic couples exhibit "eroding communication, poor conflict resolution and low responsiveness to each other."
2. Work (especially wives). Ironically enough, feminism has also been very good for marital health and stability. At least according to Stephanie Coontz, a scholar of history and family studies who has written extensively on marriage in the United States. In her book, A Strange Stirring: The Feminine Mystique and American Women at the Dawn of the 1960s, Coontz argues that the changes that Betty Friedan and other feminists of her time agitated for have actually been good for marriage. The divorce rate has fallen and actually tends "to be lowest in states where more than 70 percent of married women work outside the home," Coontz reports. What's more, "The specialization into separate gender roles that supposedly stabilized marriages in the 1950s and 1960s, actually raises the risk of divorce today." Working outside the home, says Coontz, is also good for a couple's sex life.
A recent study from the Pew Research Center also aserts that working wives are beneficial to marriages. This study showed that shifts within marriages -- specifically, men taking on more housework and women earning more outside the home -- have contributed to lower divorce rates and happier unions. One couple found that just shifting their traditional gender roles each summer did a lot to strengthen their marriage.
3. Spend time apart. More counter-intuitive wisdom. I think that some couples make the mistake of thinking that the true sign of a happy couple is wanting to do every last thing together. Wrong. Yes, it's important to have a lot of over-lapping interests. But, as I've noted before, you also need to keep a private space -- a room of one's own, as it were. This is the main message of Iris Krasnow's new book, "The Secret Lives of Wives", which is based on interviews with more than 200 women from different educational, social, and economic brackets, all of whom are in long-term marriages (15-plus years). In addition to sex (see below), many pointed to the importance of prolonged separations from their spouses as crucial to making these partnerships last. The reasoning? Physical distance makes women more emotionally and physically self-reliant and also (surprisingly, perhaps) enhances communication between partners.
4. Have sex. Just make that sure you don't spend too much time apart. According to a recent article on The Huffington Post, there are more than 17,000 people who identify with "I Live In a Sexless Marriage" on the Experience Project. But if recent surveys are correct, the author speculates that this number doesn't even come close to the actual figure, which she estimates as closer to 20 million married Americans. Moreover, couples who are dissatisfied with their sex life are more likely to consider divorce and/or term their marriage "unhappy." D.A. Wolf certainly hit a nerve when she posted on the importance of sex within a long-term relationship on the Huffington Post's Divorce vertical last weekend. Have a gander at the comments section. Wowza.
5. Do small, recognizable actions. I was absolutely fascinated by this interview in Slate with New York Times health blogger Tara Parker-Pope about her book For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage. In it, Parker-Pope reveals that a lot of research shows that the main determinants of happy, sustained marriages are actually small, tangible things like having have at least five small positive interactions (touching, smiling, paying a compliment) for every negative one (sneering, eye rolling, withdrawal), the presence/absence of sleep problems, how you treat your partner during the first three minutes of a fight, and my own personal favorite: how you recount your own "How We Met" narrative. Phew. At least I have that one covered.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Dating After Divorce ?

Dating After Divorce ?


Posted by Palco MP3

Dating After Divorce ?, I always thought I would have kids. My husband and I planned to eventually start a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual. My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years
Kissing Cards


I always thought I would have kids. My husband and I planned to eventually start a family, but at the age of 36 I discovered my husband was a closeted homosexual. My marriage immediately ended and I entered the dating pool past my prime reproductive years. I knew it would eventually take time to have a healthy relationship again, and I definitely felt like my biological clock wasn't just ticking but banging loudly like Quasimodo's bells throughout my entire body.
Because I am over 35, some men view me as a lousy match if they want to have kids. I didn't think it would be this bad, but in my age range I tend to find hook-up artists who never want to settle down, men messed up from a break-up or divorce, extremely socially awkward men with no dating experience and the men I refer to as wife shoppers. A wife shopper is usually the following:
Over 40
Never Married - No children
At the peak of their professional career
About to buy property or has just bought property
Wife shoppers are men searching for the future mother of their children. They make no bones about wanting to start a family, and many won't consider women over the age of 35. Women do lose reproductive capacity after 35, and in health terms pregnancies in older mothers are deemed higher risk. Yet none of my extended or immediate family members have had to use any extraordinary means to get pregnant. In fact, most got pregnant almost too easily; my aunt and my grandmother both had babies in their forties. So do I have to print out my medical history and that of my extended family and bring it on dates? Should I put it on my online dating profiles? Something tells me that bringing up fertility on a first date would cause most men to bolt.
I have discovered most wife shoppers through online dating websites. Something about online sites just make it too easy for them. Men can sort of pick the traits they prefer: height, build, eye color, hair color, age, and if a woman wants children. On dates, a wife shopper will bring up reproducing almost before they have ordered their first drink. One of the habits I have noticed is something I call baby momma math. My date will look at me, ask me my age again, and then I watch them adding up how long we would have to date before trying to start a family, and they aren't exactly subtle about it. I have also gotten questions right off the bat such as:
What neighborhood do you think you would want to live in?
Private or public school?
How much debt do you have?
How many kids would you want to have?
Do you have a good relationship with your family?
I don't remember this ever happening to me when I was in my twenties. Maybe it's something about the personality traits of any man who waits until they are at the peak of their career before getting married and having kids. In their mind they have a checklist and once they have done everything else they want to accomplish in life they move on to starting a family.
Having my marriage end the way it did has given me major trust issues to begin with, so the idea of running down the aisle with a man hell-bent on becoming a father is terrifying. Divorce is hell on earth and the thought of having another divorce -- only the second time with children -- is especially nightmarish. Rushing into a situation in order to have children with a partner I barely know seems like a recipe for another divorce.
Of course, women have been doing this sort of thing for ages. It is almost a cliché -- the single woman over a certain age talking about eggs, biological clocks and running out of time. When I meet a wife shopper, at first I think it is a good sign because at least this man isn't like the multitudes who just seem to want to get laid and nothing else. But then I start to feel like little more than a womb.
Keeping a healthy marriage together, especially one with children, is extremely difficult. The union between the two adult partners should be the most important thing -- communication, lifestyles, goals, and temperaments must work in harmony before the added stress and pressures of children are added to the mix. I have accepted that having a biological child may not happen for me, as I would rather not bring children into a haphazard marriage situation. I just wish I could find something in between the hook-up artists and the men who think nothing of ordering up a wife they way they would a sandwich.

Does Sex Predict Marital Disruption?

Does sex predict marital disruption?


Posted By Palco MP3

Does sex predict marital disruption? Now I know what you must be thinking. Surely scientists do not need to study this question. We all know the answer without even bothering with some lame scientific study
Divorce


Now I know what you must be thinking. Surely scientists do not need to study this question. We all know the answer without even bothering with some lame scientific study. Or surely this was settled scientifically a long time ago, right?



Well it is always a bit more interesting and complicated. That's what make behavioral and social science fun. We can put our common sense to the test. Kristina Dzara at Southern Illinois University starts by telling us that scientists "know little about the sex that people have while married with their spouse and how it may influence marital disruption," she writes in her article, Assessing the Effect of Marital Sexuality on Marital Disruption.



To examine role of sex in marriage, Dzara used the Marriage Matters Panel Survey of Newly Wed Couples that followed over 1000 couples in Louisiana from 1998 to 2004. The average age of the wives in this study was 28 and the average age for men was 30 years.



The author used three measures of sexuality in the first three to six months of marriage -- frequency of sexual intercourse, sexual satisfaction, and agreement between spouses about their sex life. Dzara used these measures to predict divorce by the 5th year of marriage. As we know, there are a lot of factors can contribute to divorce -- marital quality, early marriage, cohabitation and many more. In order to get a better understanding of the effects of sexuality in marriage, the author controlled for many of these other factors.



So, first, does frequency of sexual intercourse matter in terms of couples staying together? No, say these findings. On average these young couples had intercourse between one and several times a week, but frequency didn't seem to matter.



What about satisfaction with sex and physical intimacy? The author tests this effect for both husbands and wives. For wives, satisfaction with physical intimacy decreased the likelihood of divorce, but overall marital quality and satisfaction with intimacy appeared to have the same effect. In other words, marital quality and satisfaction with sex could not be teased apart for wives.



So what about the effect of husband's sexual satisfaction and the prospects of divorce? The probability of divorce is dramatically reduced when husband's report being sexually satisfied. Dzara writes, "a couple with a husband who has the highest self-rated satisfaction with physical intimacy, compared to a husband with the lowest self-rated satisfaction with physical intimacy, decreases their odds of experiencing a marital disruption by around 83.7%." Overall, husbands' satisfaction with physical intimacy is a stronger influence on divorce than any other measure in this study.



Somewhat surprisingly, agreement between husbands and wives about their sex life did not seem to have much influence on their likelihood of divorce. "Agreement about one's sex life" may be bound up with many other factors of agreement.



In short, sex seems to matter to healthy marriages -- not too big of a surprise. For wives, satisfaction with physical intimacy and marital satisfaction seem to be rolled into one overall factor. Not so for men. When men report being satisfied with their marriage, this reduces their likelihood for divorce, and if they also report being sexually satisfied, then divorce is even more unlikely. The author of this study notes the limitations of this study -- the couples in the study were generally younger and from only one state, so they may not be representative of the United States as a whole. Nevertheless, these seems like important findings to consider.



Saturday, July 23, 2011

Wrong Divorce Lawyer

Red Flags That You Hired The Wrong Divorce Lawyer: "



WRONG DIVORCE LAWER, Divorce cases are often won or lost because of the lawyer involved. Are there some obvious and not so obvious red flags that you hired the wrong lawyer?
Divorce


Divorce cases are often won or lost because of the lawyer involved. Are there some obvious and not so obvious red flags that you hired the wrong lawyer? Absolutely. Here, are some to consider:

Unresponsiveness. One obvious red flag waves when telephone messages or email are repeatedly ignored. If your lawyer doesn't respond within a reasonable time, you can assume one of two things. 1) The lawyer is too busy to give proper attention to your case, or 2) the lawyer does not care about you nor your case.

Excessive billing. Bills for legal services that seem unreasonably high may be a red flag that you are being overcharged or charged for services not actually performed. Signs of excessive billing include charging for attempted phone calls, charging for every contact regardless of the content or length of the communication. Some lawyers bill for time spent by support staff taking messages or making photo copies. Check billing statements for accuracy and reasonableness.

Clueless of the specifics of your case. While many divorce issues are similar, no two cases are identical. Lawyers have an ethical obligation to appreciate and understand the specifics of each case. When you are asked the same questions repeatedly, chances are your lawyer does not have a grasp on your individual needs.

Unversed about local court practices and procedures. Every jurisdiction has unique procedural nuances. Unfamiliarity with local practices and procedures suggests limited experience.

Lacks compassion. In all likelihood, your divorce is not the only matter your attorney is working on. However, you should be treated as more than a case file number. There should be a showing of compassion.

Inappropriate emotional investment. There is a fine line between empathy and becoming emotionally invested. Lawyers should never cross the line. Be wary if your lawyer behaves as though they are a party to the divorce.

Condescending. While you may be unfamiliar with the legalities of divorce, you should not be spoken to or treated in a condescending manner. Be aware of the manner in which your attorney interacts with you. Being treated in a rude or condescending manner is never appropriate.

Bullying. During the divorce process numerous life altering decisions are made. Many of these decisions will affect you for a very long time to come. Although improper and wrong, some unscrupulous divorce attorneys bully or shame clients into making decisions, decisions which are often wrong. Don't fall prey to this tactic, decisions you make during the divorce process will have long term affects and consequences.

Antagonistic toward opposing counsel. Opposing counsel will invariably disagree and often become quite contentious. However, when disagreements escalate and become personal between the lawyers the focus shifts away from the clients. Lawyer should put their personal differences aside and keep the focus on the clients.

Lacks candor. Lawyers are obligated to present and discuss all reasonable settlement proposals received from the opposition. As a way to drag the process out and keep fee clock ticking, some lawyers will without consulting the client, unilaterally refuse offers of settlement.

Your instincts are perhaps the biggest red flag of all. Trust that inner voice. If you think something is amiss, it probably is.


"


USA FASHION & MUSIC NEWS

Monday, July 11, 2011

Top 10 Dirty Divorce Tricksfrom

Top 10 Dirty Divorce Tricksfrom : "

Top 10 Dirty Divorce Tricksfrom

by Marilyn Stowe
Divorce is an emotional rollercoaster, and when people are really hurting, particularly if they have been "swapped" for somebody else, self-preservation becomes all-important. For some, however, this state of mind can lead to an all-consuming desire for vengeance.
After more than 25 years as a divorce attorney, little surprises me. Drawing upon my own experiences over the years, here are examples of the worst kinds of divorce tricks I have encountered. I wish to stress that none of them are recommended--in fact, some are illegal!

==Hiding money or assets for a "rainy day"==
Many people know that they are going to get divorced long before proceedings are set in motion. Some decide to take pre-emptive action. I recall one case in which a couple ran a small neighborhood store. After the wife filed for divorce, my firm discovered that the husband had been leading a double life. In addition to that small neighborhood store, he had an extensive portfolio of properties and owned several supermarkets! The wife had apparently known nothing of this.
Others do what they can to hide their money. Wealthy people do this by shipping it offshore into untraceable bank accounts, owned via a warren of trusts and companies channelled through several countries. Those on more modest incomes do it by depositing funds in the bank accounts of relatives.
The most extreme case I have come across was that of a spouse who had placed almost everything the couple had into an untouchable, offshore trust. He then began to borrow against all the rest of the non-trust assets onshore. Fortunately his wife became wise to his ploy. She was able to obtain an order to freeze his assets worldwide, and put a stop to it.

==Damaging, destroying or selling the household's most valuable contents==
Lady Sarah Graham Moon acquired legendary status among family lawyers after exacting revenge upon her two-timing husband. She cut the arms off 32 of his bespoke suits, poured white paint over his BMW car, raided his wine cellar and left bottles of fine wine on her neighbors' doorsteps.
Cases I have personally encountered include a wife who sold the Steinway piano, without the knowledge of her pianist husband, a wife who sawed the legs off a Chippendale cabinet and delivered it--along with its removed legs--to her husband, and a wife who ran a bath of scalding water and bleach, in which she dumped all her husbands' suits and ties.
Some clients claim to have sold assets for remarkably low prices. Miraculously, these same assets reappear in their ownership once the case is over. I have known it to happen with valuable furs, jewelry, art, and even a yacht! Would you be surprised to learn that these assets are often "bought back" once the case is over?

==Spending money wildly, as a form of "payback"==
Some spurned spouses choose to take revenge in a different way. One client of mine, with an Amex Centurion card, received a credit card bill for $80,000 for jewelry purchased by his wife from Cartier. Her explanation? If he wanted to spend money on his girlfriend, he could also spend it on his wife. Take heart if you live in England: the court has the power to add back "wasted monies."

==Moving the spouse to a different country in order to obtain a more favorable settlement==
It may sound far-fetched, but happens more frequently than you might think, especially in countries or states where wives can receive relatively generous settlements.
Who doesn't dream of a new life in the sun? Or a much better job and quality of life? Sadly, the trusting spouse does not realize that this promised new life is never destined to materialize. Instead, a divorce looms in a country in which he or she does not speak the language, and where financial settlements are far more modest. If children are involved, it can be very difficult, if not impossible, to leave that foreign country to return home.

==Conducting covert surveillance of a spouse==
When a spouse is suspected of having an affair, all sorts of surveillance techniques can be used. One client told me her husband would wait until he was in the car to discuss his affair with friends, or with the "Other Woman" herself. The wife placed a recorder under the car seat, and recorded all his telephone calls.
She told me that it was all done on a "need to know" basis. She was desperate for the truth rather than lies, which were making her ill. Even so, in English law there is no need for dirty tricks to obtain a divorce or a financial settlement.
Instead, such behavior is likely to leave a British judge wondering about the character of someone who would go to these lengths. When judicial discretion is needed for a financial settlement, this type of conduct can backfire and will almost certainly land the client, rather than the spouse in hot water with the court. So with a client who wants to become a secret agent, my advice is almost invariably, "don't."

==Making secret copies or downloads==
This is when a spouse secretly photocopies every scrap of financial information in the house and office, or downloads everything from a spouse's computer. Later, the spouse will pretend that they didn't realize what they were doing. What often happens is that a piece of computer equipment is purchased with which to download the computer's hard drive. Or a computer expert is surreptitiously called in.
Different laws apply in different countries but in England, where chancing upon documents belonging to the other spouse and making copies used to be tolerated by the courts, such behavior is now all but forbidden. Clients found to be in breach of data protection law, for example by hacking into computers, may be prosecuted. The court jealously protects the privacy of an individual--even if it causes injustice in the divorce court.
However, as the courts make clear, in many cases the same information can be safely obtained legally and without personal risk, by a court-governed disclosure process, injunctions and search and seize orders.
Those who blunder on down this path can become vulnerable to virtual blackmail, by a similarly ruthless spouse. After all, if you are faced with the prospect of a disapproving judge, costs sanctions and criminal prosecution, it might be more sensible all round to settle.... for less. So this can be a boomerang of a dirty trick: it can turn around and smack you hard.

==Assaulting the spouse and the new partner==
In one case I encountered, the wife threw a brick through the front window of her dentist husband's surgery practice. This was a whammy in more ways than one as the glass shattered all over the dental assistant -- also the husband's new lover -- who had been sitting at a desk by the window!
I was consulted in another case when the wife was in police custody. She had hired a hitman against her husband. She was traumatized by the stress of her divorce case, the fear of losing her home and the fear of losing her children in a hostile custody battle, initiated to reduce her financial settlement. The judge was sympathetic and gave her a conditional discharge. In the custody case the judge had no sympathy for the husband, who had driven his wife to the edge of sanity. She kept her children.

==Using a "friend" as a spy to gain access to the lawyer's office==
The "friend" will pretend to befriend the wife. Alternatively she may be a current girlfriend of the wife's who is secretly sympathetic to the husband, perhaps for her own ends. She offers a helping hand with the lawyers, goes along to meetings, gets to know all the tactics and advice -- and reports everything back to the husband.
Call me cautious, but I don't like it when friends accompany clients to meetings, because I don't always trust their motives. How does my client know for certain that the sensitive information told to me and the careful advice I give will remain confidential? That the friend won't be soon gossiping over lunch with the girls? How do we know that it will not end up in the wrong hands? My wariness comes from experience: in one case the wife's "friend" turned out to be the husband's lover.

=="Conflicting out" the spouse's lawyer==
"So", says the prospective client, with affected nonchalance. "Does coming here today mean that my husband/wife can't instruct you?"
A good lawyer can bring about an extremely successful outcome. It is better to get that lawyer onside. However some spouses are just as determined to ensure that good lawyers are placed beyond their partner's reach, by creating "conflicts of interest."
On one occasion, a husband telephoned ahead for an emergency appointment and was anxiously prepared to fly from the Caribbean to see me. He was too late. His wife was booked in the same day. On another, a client phoned in and, at his insistence, paid a substantial retainer fee on his credit card. Then he left for mainland Europe and started divorce proceedings there.
There can be ways around the "conflict of interest" trap. For example, my firm has a number of offices in the UK, staffed by different lawyers. It means that we can usually get round the problem by putting "Chinese walls" (information barriers) in place, and seeing the genuine client at another office, with a team who have had no previous dealings with the other spouse.

==If all else fails...running off with the attorney! ==
I recall one case in which a devious spouse began an affair with his divorce lawyer. Having paid out his wife, he swiftly married his wealthy new love!
Truth is sometimes stranger than fiction, and this has been known to happen. It certainly gives an unfair advantage, along with vastly reduced legal fees...



What You Can and Can't Control in the Divorce Process
By Alyssa Ann Rower

As a divorce lawyer, two of the most frequent questions I hear from new clients are: "how much will it cost to get divorced?" and "how long will it take?" Although there are no definite answers, there is good news and bad. The good news: in some ways, you have a lot of control over how long it takes and how much you will spend in the process. The bad news: in other ways, you have no control. Below, a rundown of what you can and can't control.

==You Control Your Homework==
While it would be ideal if you could simply hire a lawyer, dictate what you want, then forget about it until your judgment of divorce arrives, it doesn't work that way. Untying the knot requires your active participation, especially if you want to keep costs down. Homework from your lawyer may include gathering financial data, calculating your living expenses and constructing a record of custody-related events. If you want to get divorced quickly and inexpensively, start your homework early and do it painstakingly and thoroughly.

==You (Partially) Control Your Lawyer==
Maybe you have promptly submitted your homework to your lawyer and now you're waiting . . . and waiting . . . and waiting . . . to see a draft settlement proposal that will be sent to the other side. While lawyers are not perfect and you should be reasonably understanding when other professional and personal conflicts tie them up, if there are constant and unexplained delays in your case, speak up. Outline your expectations and ask for realistic time and cost estimates. If the problems persist, consider hiring a different lawyer.

==You Control How Much Time And Money Your Lawyer Spends On Non-Legal Tasks==
Although it is tempting to treat your divorce lawyer as the ultimate Renaissance man or woman: lawyer, therapist, financial planner, personal assistant, friend, and more, resist the urge. Your lawyer is not there to give you psychological advice (and also will charge you two or three times more per hour than a licensed therapist), lawyers aren't trained to opine on your investment strategies, or suggest the best brunch spot for your out-of-town guests. If your lawyer bills by the hour (as most do), every email, phone call and letter adds up. While I am not advocating that you do away with all small talk or pleasantries, if you're spending more time discussing personal issues than legal matters, it's time to reassess. Treat your lawyer as a legal expert and be mindful of the fact that his or her time is literally money--specifically, yours.

==You Control How Quickly And Thoroughly You Review Your Bills==
You are entitled to receive a written, itemized bill from your lawyer on a regular basis. Indeed, many firms send out bills every month. You should review the bills promptly and if you have questions, concerns, or spot any discrepancies, bring it up to your lawyer right away. You might just get an accommodation on your bill.

==You Don't Control Your Spouse==
If you couldn't control your spouse when you were married (as most of us can't), it will be even less possible in the midst of a divorce. So even if you try to keep legal fees down, pursue a fair result, and treat your spouse with respect, there is no guarantee your former loved one will do the same. If trouble brews, don't escalate matters or stoop to his or her level. While you should not just take whatever comes your way, you can still play good defense while not creating new issues or letting anger dictate your legal strategy. For example, if you receive a letter filled with spurious allegations about your alleged wrongdoings, firmly deny the allegations but don't have your lawyer write back with insults and allegations of your own, starting a merry-go-round of letter writing that accomplishes little but costs a lot.


==You Don't Control Your Spouse's Lawyer==
Sometimes it is not your spouse who is the problem, but his or her lawyer. If the other side refuses to work with your lawyer amicably and cooperatively, sometimes you have no choice but to take a more formal approach. For example, financial disclosure is routine and required in divorce actions, but the other side may refuse to cooperate, necessitating judicial subpoenas or motions to the court. Discuss with your lawyer how important the documents are, and if you need them, do what it takes to get them.

==You Don't Control The Court==
While litigation may sometimes be the only viable option to get your divorce moving, it isn't the most desirable one from a time or financial perspective. Matrimonial courts are notoriously overburdened and overworked. Delays are inevitable. I was once involved in a case that was set for a custody trial with Judge #1. A couple months before the trial was set to begin, Judge #1 left the bench to go into private practice. Our case was then assigned to Judge #2, who shortly thereafter was promoted from the trial court to the appellate court. After then being reassigned to Judge #3, the custody trial began nearly a year after it was first scheduled in front of Judge #1. Frustrating? Yes. In anyone's control? No.
So how do you deal with the aspects of your divorce you can't control? I think the only reasonable approach is to accept the situation, tell yourself that it too shall pass, and focus on the things you can control. If you expect from the start that there are certain aspects of your divorce you simply don't have power over, chances are they'll roll off your back a little easier if and when they do arise. And if the spiritual approach fails, a good glass of wine never hurts either.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Does Divorce Inevitably Damage Children?

Does Divorce Inevitably Damage Children?: "

Posted By Palco MP3 via huffingtonpost


Most divorcing parents' greatest fear is the effect it will have on their children. These fears have their origin in a time when divorce was a rare event. Fifty years ago, children from divorced parents were commonly described as coming from 'broken homes,' and they had to live with the stigma that such a phrase implies. To compound matters, early research on the effects of divorce--which got a lot of attention because it was news--reinforced the notion that virtually all children were negatively affected, and for their entire lives.

There is no denying that, on the list of stressful life events, divorce ranks high. For children it represents an ongoing crisis that has the potential to turn their lives upside down. That said, it is possible for children not only to survive this crisis, but to emerge from it stronger and happier in the long run.



What We Now Know About Divorce

Early research on the effects of divorce on children, which drew a gloomy picture to say the least, were based on studies with very small sample pools and were limited to what children reported in interviews. More importantly, these studies failed to compare children of divorce to children from so-called 'intact' families, to see what if any differences there were between these two groups. For example, are teenagers from divorced families any more moody than teens from two-parent homes?

Fortunately, additional research on children and divorce has emerged. Included are studies that followed large groups of children over a period of years. The data collected by these researchers was based on observational studies and interviews that were conducted at regular intervals, as well as objective personality and academic achievement test scores. Moreover, the researchers were able to compare children whose parents were divorced to children whose parents were not. This research has led to a much clearer and more focused picture of the effects of divorce on children.

What the researchers found was that, three years after separation or divorce, the divorced children were, as a group, more similar to children of intact families than different. In other words, divorce does not invariably lead to psychological, social, legal, or academic problems. At the three-year mark, the majority of children of divorce appear to have weathered the storm, psychologically speaking, and are no different from their non-divorced peers.

As encouraging as these new data are, these same researchers did identify a minority--25 percent--of divorced children who were experiencing significant problems that would need to be addressed if these children were to get back on track, developmentally speaking. These included social, academic, and/or psychological problems.



Three Crucial Years

What parents need to know about divorce and its potential effects on their children are:

· The first three years seem to be crucial. Your child can emerge from the next three years a more resilient, self-confident individual. Your child is perfectly capable of surviving this upheaval, but will likely need some support and guidance along the way.

· There is some risk. Although three out of four children weather the storm of divorce (and may even emerge more resilient), one in four may stumble. Your goal as a parent is not to prevent your child from ever experiencing a crisis--including divorce. During the three crucial years, divorce affects children of different ages in different ways. Toddlers and young children are developing differently and so will react differently to divorce than older children or adolescents. In order to ease a child's transition, parents need to understand the developmental pace of their children, to recognize early signs of trouble, and to know how to intervene.



Critical Developmental Tasks

As a parent facing divorce one of your major fears about divorce no doubt is that it will leave permanent emotional scars on your child (or children). Parents worry that it will lower their children's self esteem, that they will feel unloved, that they will lose motivation to succeed in school, or that their idea of what it's like to have a family will be irrevocably stained. All of these fears are normal and understandable-- but they are not inevitable outcomes of divorce.



In order to provide divorcing parents with a developmental 'road map that they can use to understand where the potholes may be and help their children avoid them, I have defined the critical developmental tasks facing children of different ages. Armed with this knowledge, along with information of what to look out for during the three critical years, and how they can successfully intervene if necessary, parents can see to it that their children become the one if four who may be damaged by divorce.

Briefly, these are those key developmental tasks:



Early Childhood

The most important tasks facing children from infancy to age five or so are the development of secure attachments and willingness to explore the world around them. These are related to the extent that secure attachments--to parents and other caretakers--form the foundation that allows for exploration and learning. Divorcing parents who have young children need to be sure that these children are able to form and maintain strong and stable attachments. If divorce stands in the way of this process, a child can effectively 'stumble at the starting gate' of life.



Later Childhood

As children grow their primary developmental tasks shift somewhat, so that socialization and literacy become a major focus of their time and efforts. Schools play a major role in this, but so does the family. If divorce seriously disrupts a child's ability to form friendships and establish a place within a peer group, anxiety and withdrawal can be the result. Similarly, some children experience so much stress from divorce--particularly an acrimonious divorce, or one in which they are pressured to choose sides--that they are unable to focus on basic skills like reading. Research shows that children who fall seriously behind in these basic skills can have a hard time catching up and can in turn experience problems such as low self-esteem.



Adolescence

The primary developmental task in the years spanning from the 'tween' years through adolescence is the emergence of a personal identity: that sense of:

· Who am I?

· What do I stand for?

· Why am I here (what are my options for the future)?



Once it crystallizes our identity can easily turn our life into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Identity emerges from the teen's relationships: with parents, peers, and other influential adults. If divorcing parents do not allow their divorce to cut off those important relationships a healthy identity can emerge. In contrast, I have seen instances when divorce effectively destroyed a parent-child relationship, with disastrous results.



The above a snapshot of the key issues that divorcing parents to be aware of. Children are hard-wired to face these developmental tasks. To the extent that they can facilitate their child's ability to do that-- and not undermine it--every child has the potential to emerge from divorce a healthy and more resilient individual.



Future blogs will look at each developmental stage in more detail. Or, for more information, see The Divorced Child: Strengthening Your Family through the First Three Years of Separation







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